Greetings Fearless Reader!
Iron Man 2. Let me start by proving to you my authority on the issue of this movie, and on comic book movies in general. I'm a nerd. I have followed comic books forever. Literally. In fact, I was personal friends with Stan Lee, the man who pulled the first thin piece of bark off a tree and drew a saber toothed tiger attacking a group of men with spears and capes and excellent names like StabMan and the Miraculous Dr Voodoo. Incidentally, the saber toothed cat won... They weren't all about happy endings back in the day. They were real. Sometimes a tragedy is just a tragedy. Oh, and when you died, you stayed dead.
Anyway, comic book movies. I don't want you to expect me to be a nerd of such extreme prejudice that if it says MARVEL at the front, I'll love it. Cause you know what sucked? What they did to Spider-Man and Hulk. Both of these titles have been barely passable to lame on the scale of comic book movie worthiness that I just made up. For future reference, the scale goes from Lame Like a Quadriplegic Volleyball Player to Mind Blowing Awesome Spectacle of Awesome-hood. The Dark Knight was one of those. The first Iron Man was close. But this isn't about the Dark Knight, is it.
No. This is about Iron Man 2. Finally, with the Iron Man franchise, they've done it right. The buzz is that the Iron Man titles are the first that Marvel Comics has been able to make without any studio chump nuggets telling them they need this or that or they can't do this or that. You know what studio retards? Marvel wrote the books. They know what to do with these characters. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. And I don't really like pudding all that much. It's a bit like congealed milk or something. Grosses me out. That's besides the point. The point is that Iron Man 2 was very, very good. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Plus, they're setting up this thing coming down the line called the Avengers Initiative. It will be awesome. Look for Captain America's shield and Thor's hammer to show briefly. Awesome awesome awesome. I love it.
Plus, Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansen are hot. I mean like skill-wise. Duh. They are masters of their craft. Scarlett J can kick my butt any day. My wife says it's okay for me to say that. See this movie.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Public Enemies
Greetings Fellow Wanderers!
Johnny Depp. Christian Bale. You'd think with guys like this you could sit back and sip on the assurance that you were about to partake in an engaging and intense portrayal of whatever they were going to intensly portray and rest assured knowing that this cocktail was going to tread the line between loosening your inhibitions and leaving you hugging the porcelain throne, keeping just on this side of safe yet awesome. No.
I say again. No. This movie is supposedly about the hey day of such infamous bank robbers as John Dillinger, Baby-Face Nelson, Grim-Cut Charles, Louder-Than-Smart Bobbo and their band of thieves, dubbed The Dishonest Crew of Thieves and Buccaneers, (Which of those are made up by me? You decide!) And about the Feds who brought them down. Sounds exciting, right? It's not. No sir, it is not. I say again, NO!
To say this movie is boring is to say that diarreah is distasteful. To call this movie dull is the same as calling molten magma warm. I think that's enough similes. Or whatever they're called. You get the point. I could not in good faith recommend this movie to my deceased great grand uncle Ralph for fear that it would irritate his crazy legs. Yes. I AM saying that not even a ficticious dead man could sit through this jaunt through this....you know what? This movie is dryer than the actual Great Depression. I mean no disrespect to those honorable and brave men and women who lived through the dust bowl, but dang. Just because something happened doesn't make it worth telling a story about. Like this.
The other day, I did this thing. And the time was difficult. And there was hardship and suffering but through my own ingenuity I made a life for myself and found a love interest. I'm not really going to tell you why this woman loved me, or how we grew to love each other. Also some people died. I was emotional about it, but I'm going to do my best to not make you feel that emotion. Then things took a turn for the worse. Then I had to live with the consequences of my actions. The End.
Hey! I just accidentally copied verbatim the screenplay for this entire film! My bad! Don't see it. Not even Captain Jack Sparrow could make this worth it. Sorry.
Johnny Depp. Christian Bale. You'd think with guys like this you could sit back and sip on the assurance that you were about to partake in an engaging and intense portrayal of whatever they were going to intensly portray and rest assured knowing that this cocktail was going to tread the line between loosening your inhibitions and leaving you hugging the porcelain throne, keeping just on this side of safe yet awesome. No.
I say again. No. This movie is supposedly about the hey day of such infamous bank robbers as John Dillinger, Baby-Face Nelson, Grim-Cut Charles, Louder-Than-Smart Bobbo and their band of thieves, dubbed The Dishonest Crew of Thieves and Buccaneers, (Which of those are made up by me? You decide!) And about the Feds who brought them down. Sounds exciting, right? It's not. No sir, it is not. I say again, NO!
To say this movie is boring is to say that diarreah is distasteful. To call this movie dull is the same as calling molten magma warm. I think that's enough similes. Or whatever they're called. You get the point. I could not in good faith recommend this movie to my deceased great grand uncle Ralph for fear that it would irritate his crazy legs. Yes. I AM saying that not even a ficticious dead man could sit through this jaunt through this....you know what? This movie is dryer than the actual Great Depression. I mean no disrespect to those honorable and brave men and women who lived through the dust bowl, but dang. Just because something happened doesn't make it worth telling a story about. Like this.
The other day, I did this thing. And the time was difficult. And there was hardship and suffering but through my own ingenuity I made a life for myself and found a love interest. I'm not really going to tell you why this woman loved me, or how we grew to love each other. Also some people died. I was emotional about it, but I'm going to do my best to not make you feel that emotion. Then things took a turn for the worse. Then I had to live with the consequences of my actions. The End.
Hey! I just accidentally copied verbatim the screenplay for this entire film! My bad! Don't see it. Not even Captain Jack Sparrow could make this worth it. Sorry.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Way of the Gun
Greetings intrepid adventurers!
There's a short list of movies that every guy should see. The Way of the Gun is high on that list. I don't know when it was made. It's older. I don't know who directed it. I DO know that it kicks faces with finality and aplomb and doesn't apologize for one spine shattering moment of it's excellence. Who's in it? I'll tell you who's in it. Taye Diggs. Ryan Phillipe. Benicio Del Toro. James Caan. These four guys could film themselves sitting at a coffee table in a high priced yuppy coffee shop wearing scarves and drinking drinks with piles of whipped cream on top and it would still be one of the manliest things ever caught on tape. I'm not kidding.
So, the movie. This is one you have to pay attention to, so tell your girl to turn off her phone and be quiet for the next two hours. She can do it. I have faith in her. You sat through that one movie that looked cute, she can sit through this. The story is twisting, convoluted, intricate, and several other adjectives that mean that same thing. It's like the writer thought to himself; "Self, how can we tell a story that invloves two bad guys doing bad things for selfish reasons, but still make them the main characters that people are gonna root for?" His self answered, and he wrote this movie. Adding the kidnapping of a pregnant lady, a car chase in first gear, shoplifting, dirty money, darn near poetic dialogue, twenty pounds of broken glass and untrustworthy everybody trying to play everybody.
In fact, you should watch this movie twice, because you'll get even more out of it the second time. It's like if you trained to be a swordfighter for fifteen years and loved it; learning the intricacies of the movements and the defenses and the names and the strategies and honing your reflexes to razor sharp perfection and making yourself into the last modern buckanneer; and then one night some guy tried to stab you in an alley with his swiss army knife. Oh boy, you bet you'd pull that three and a half feet of cold hard steel from your scabbard under your trench coat and swing it around with such skill and dexterity that the assassin that was waiting on the roof of the building would jump down and flourish his OWN sword with equal skill and challenge you to a duel to the death. You'd laugh and accept his challenge, and then you'd fight and it would be epic and brutal and bloody but you'd win, stabbing him through the heart with a final "Hiyaah!!!" The assassin would fall to the pavement and die and only then you'd discover it was really your sister and she'd been training the last fifteen years to be a shadow assassin and you'd be heart broken. But then you'd recognize the poignancy of the moment, and you'd stand and hold your sword high so the yellow street lights reflect off it, and then you'd look at the guy crouched against the wall who tried to stab you and you'd wipe off your blade on his shirt and he'd crap his pants in fear and run away screaming like a girl. THAT would be the satisfaction you'd get from watching The Way of the Gun a second time. Booyah.
There's a short list of movies that every guy should see. The Way of the Gun is high on that list. I don't know when it was made. It's older. I don't know who directed it. I DO know that it kicks faces with finality and aplomb and doesn't apologize for one spine shattering moment of it's excellence. Who's in it? I'll tell you who's in it. Taye Diggs. Ryan Phillipe. Benicio Del Toro. James Caan. These four guys could film themselves sitting at a coffee table in a high priced yuppy coffee shop wearing scarves and drinking drinks with piles of whipped cream on top and it would still be one of the manliest things ever caught on tape. I'm not kidding.
So, the movie. This is one you have to pay attention to, so tell your girl to turn off her phone and be quiet for the next two hours. She can do it. I have faith in her. You sat through that one movie that looked cute, she can sit through this. The story is twisting, convoluted, intricate, and several other adjectives that mean that same thing. It's like the writer thought to himself; "Self, how can we tell a story that invloves two bad guys doing bad things for selfish reasons, but still make them the main characters that people are gonna root for?" His self answered, and he wrote this movie. Adding the kidnapping of a pregnant lady, a car chase in first gear, shoplifting, dirty money, darn near poetic dialogue, twenty pounds of broken glass and untrustworthy everybody trying to play everybody.
In fact, you should watch this movie twice, because you'll get even more out of it the second time. It's like if you trained to be a swordfighter for fifteen years and loved it; learning the intricacies of the movements and the defenses and the names and the strategies and honing your reflexes to razor sharp perfection and making yourself into the last modern buckanneer; and then one night some guy tried to stab you in an alley with his swiss army knife. Oh boy, you bet you'd pull that three and a half feet of cold hard steel from your scabbard under your trench coat and swing it around with such skill and dexterity that the assassin that was waiting on the roof of the building would jump down and flourish his OWN sword with equal skill and challenge you to a duel to the death. You'd laugh and accept his challenge, and then you'd fight and it would be epic and brutal and bloody but you'd win, stabbing him through the heart with a final "Hiyaah!!!" The assassin would fall to the pavement and die and only then you'd discover it was really your sister and she'd been training the last fifteen years to be a shadow assassin and you'd be heart broken. But then you'd recognize the poignancy of the moment, and you'd stand and hold your sword high so the yellow street lights reflect off it, and then you'd look at the guy crouched against the wall who tried to stab you and you'd wipe off your blade on his shirt and he'd crap his pants in fear and run away screaming like a girl. THAT would be the satisfaction you'd get from watching The Way of the Gun a second time. Booyah.
An INTRODUCTION
Greetings friends and everyone. Welcome to my page. I like movies. You like movies. Everyone you know likes movies to some degree or another. Some people like good movies. Some people like crappy movies. Who am I to judge? I’m the guy who’s writing this blog. That’s who I am to judge.
Over the course of the next long whenever, I will be posting my own personal movie reviews. I will watch new movies, old movies, expensive movies and independent movies. I will probably not watch any foreign movies, and I will probably not watch anything with Sandra Bullock in it. I’m sorry. Wait, I take that back. I might watch The Proposal, cause Ryan Reynolds is in that, and he’s a steaming pile of awesome wrapped in foil and blown up in a microwave. I’m not exaggerating.
This is not intended to be a moral judgment of the content of these movies. I will do my best to let you know what to expect if you have sensitive ears or eyes, and of course I will tell you whether or not a movie is worth watching. Cause this is my page.
I’ll tell you what I think about movies, you’ll read what I think about movies, and you’ll come to realize that my opinion is the only right one. If you think I’m wrong then, sorry, you’re wrong. Feel free to write and let me know how dumb you are for disagreeing with me.
Next; There’s a list of actors I hate. There’s also a couple of directors I hate. For the most part I’m able to look past this if the person in question has done a commendable job or whatever, but let’s be honest. What was the last good movie Tom Cruise made? Rainman? Tommy, your done. Sit back and enjoy the rest of your ride… and keep your mouth shut. Oh, and for the record JG. I'm sorry, that scene in Top Gun WAS a little gay. That's just the way it is.
What was the last good movie James Cameron directed? Terminator? If you said Titanic, punch yourself in the kidneys. Go ahead, do it. We’ll wait for you….
If you said Avatar, you may have a point. Avatar was all right. The problem comes when people who make “art” for a living start to think they should make political statements. DONE. I don’t care what you think about politics. I want to see a good movie. You want to see a good movie. Let’s not waste time on the political commentary. Lame. No one in history ever thought that they should turn to an artist for political advice. Why start now. That would be like Michaelangelo laying on his back on the top of his huge scaffold and he's right in the middle of painting the hand of God himself reaching out to touch man's hand on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and Michaelangelo looks at you standing down there on the floor looking up at him with a crick in your neck cause of how high up he is and he says to you, "Do you think I got the color right on this hand?" and if you rubbed your chin thoughtfully and said "I don't know, Mike. Jesus WAS a Community Leader! Maybe a little more neon pink in the fingernails, there."
You know what Michaelangelo would say to you? He'd say "Voi simpleton bumbling! Non avete idea di che cosa in nome di Taye Diggs state parlando! Ottenga via da questo posto della leggenda prima che lo induciate a sbriciolarti sotto il peso del vostro banality!"
Which means; "You bumbling simpleton! You have idea what in the name of Taye Diggs you are talking about! Get away from this place of legend before you cause it to crumble under the weight of your banality!" Because even hundreds of years ago the coming of Taye Diggs was foretold. His name was used then as a curse of only the most righteous intent.
Lastly, I am open to suggestions. If you hear about or have even seen a movie and you want to know what I would say about it, just ask. I’ll tell you.
On to the movies!!!
Over the course of the next long whenever, I will be posting my own personal movie reviews. I will watch new movies, old movies, expensive movies and independent movies. I will probably not watch any foreign movies, and I will probably not watch anything with Sandra Bullock in it. I’m sorry. Wait, I take that back. I might watch The Proposal, cause Ryan Reynolds is in that, and he’s a steaming pile of awesome wrapped in foil and blown up in a microwave. I’m not exaggerating.
This is not intended to be a moral judgment of the content of these movies. I will do my best to let you know what to expect if you have sensitive ears or eyes, and of course I will tell you whether or not a movie is worth watching. Cause this is my page.
I’ll tell you what I think about movies, you’ll read what I think about movies, and you’ll come to realize that my opinion is the only right one. If you think I’m wrong then, sorry, you’re wrong. Feel free to write and let me know how dumb you are for disagreeing with me.
Next; There’s a list of actors I hate. There’s also a couple of directors I hate. For the most part I’m able to look past this if the person in question has done a commendable job or whatever, but let’s be honest. What was the last good movie Tom Cruise made? Rainman? Tommy, your done. Sit back and enjoy the rest of your ride… and keep your mouth shut. Oh, and for the record JG. I'm sorry, that scene in Top Gun WAS a little gay. That's just the way it is.
What was the last good movie James Cameron directed? Terminator? If you said Titanic, punch yourself in the kidneys. Go ahead, do it. We’ll wait for you….
If you said Avatar, you may have a point. Avatar was all right. The problem comes when people who make “art” for a living start to think they should make political statements. DONE. I don’t care what you think about politics. I want to see a good movie. You want to see a good movie. Let’s not waste time on the political commentary. Lame. No one in history ever thought that they should turn to an artist for political advice. Why start now. That would be like Michaelangelo laying on his back on the top of his huge scaffold and he's right in the middle of painting the hand of God himself reaching out to touch man's hand on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and Michaelangelo looks at you standing down there on the floor looking up at him with a crick in your neck cause of how high up he is and he says to you, "Do you think I got the color right on this hand?" and if you rubbed your chin thoughtfully and said "I don't know, Mike. Jesus WAS a Community Leader! Maybe a little more neon pink in the fingernails, there."
You know what Michaelangelo would say to you? He'd say "Voi simpleton bumbling! Non avete idea di che cosa in nome di Taye Diggs state parlando! Ottenga via da questo posto della leggenda prima che lo induciate a sbriciolarti sotto il peso del vostro banality!"
Which means; "You bumbling simpleton! You have idea what in the name of Taye Diggs you are talking about! Get away from this place of legend before you cause it to crumble under the weight of your banality!" Because even hundreds of years ago the coming of Taye Diggs was foretold. His name was used then as a curse of only the most righteous intent.
Lastly, I am open to suggestions. If you hear about or have even seen a movie and you want to know what I would say about it, just ask. I’ll tell you.
On to the movies!!!
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