Public Enemies

Greetings Fellow Wanderers!

Johnny Depp. Christian Bale. You'd think with guys like this you could sit back and sip on the assurance that you were about to partake in an engaging and intense portrayal of whatever they were going to intensly portray and rest assured knowing that this cocktail was going to tread the line between loosening your inhibitions and leaving you hugging the porcelain throne, keeping just on this side of safe yet awesome. No.

I say again. No. This movie is supposedly about the hey day of such infamous bank robbers as John Dillinger, Baby-Face Nelson, Grim-Cut Charles, Louder-Than-Smart Bobbo and their band of thieves, dubbed The Dishonest Crew of Thieves and Buccaneers, (Which of those are made up by me? You decide!) And about the Feds who brought them down. Sounds exciting, right? It's not. No sir, it is not. I say again, NO!

To say this movie is boring is to say that diarreah is distasteful. To call this movie dull is the same as calling molten magma warm. I think that's enough similes. Or whatever they're called. You get the point. I could not in good faith recommend this movie to my deceased great grand uncle Ralph for fear that it would irritate his crazy legs. Yes. I AM saying that not even a ficticious dead man could sit through this jaunt through this....you know what? This movie is dryer than the actual Great Depression. I mean no disrespect to those honorable and brave men and women who lived through the dust bowl, but dang. Just because something happened doesn't make it worth telling a story about. Like this.

The other day, I did this thing. And the time was difficult. And there was hardship and suffering but through my own ingenuity I made a life for myself and found a love interest. I'm not really going to tell you why this woman loved me, or how we grew to love each other. Also some people died. I was emotional about it, but I'm going to do my best to not make you feel that emotion. Then things took a turn for the worse. Then I had to live with the consequences of my actions. The End.

Hey! I just accidentally copied verbatim the screenplay for this entire film! My bad! Don't see it. Not even Captain Jack Sparrow could make this worth it. Sorry.